


Striped Carnations and Tea Roses

by Mai_Blade



Series: the journey back (is not worth it) [3]
Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Angst, Death, Developing Friendships, Do not post to another site, Don't copy to another site, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, One Shot, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Canon, Reader-Insert, Reincarnation, Two Shot, now it's a two shot, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:46:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21663925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mai_Blade/pseuds/Mai_Blade
Summary: You're just an average girl and he's No-Good. Mom tells you that words hurt, so you stop being mean to him, but you aren't brave enough to openly be his friend.That doesn't mean you don't leave an impression on him.
Relationships: Sawada Tsunayoshi & Reader
Series: the journey back (is not worth it) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1543624
Comments: 24
Kudos: 185





	1. could have been

**I enjoyed the meetings, too. It was like having friends.**

**~J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince**

* * *

**Five**

You laugh at No-Good Tsuna whenever your friends do, and you don’t hang around him. Tsuna didn’t used to be so _clumsy_ , but now that he is you can see why everyone calls him that name. No one wants to be his friend anymore, and neither do you.

He’s _different_ and uncool. You can’t stand him.

But when he falls and cries, and you and your friends walk right past him, you feel bad for him, just a little.

* * *

**Six**

No-Good Tsuna crashes into you in the hall and makes you fall down hard with him. Angry, you yell at him and call him No-Good Tsuna while the kids watching laugh. He stammers an apology, but you don’t stay to listen to it.

* * *

**Words**

Mom sits you down for a talk after you rant about No-Good Tsuna getting you hurt. She asks questions about him and you tell her everything, how everyone calls him that and how he’s clumsy and stupid and how he has no friends. She asks about the teachers and you say that the teachers must think he’s no good too, otherwise they would help him more, right? Besides, poor teacher has to explain things more than once to get No-Good Tsuna to understand, and now she doesn’t stop at his desk as much to help him. No one likes No-Good Tsuna, not ever you!

But the sad look on Mom’s face makes you wonder if maybe you shouldn’t have said that.

She talks to you about how words can hurt. She tells you that you can throw a stone into the ocean, but will you ever know how deeply it sinks? Words can cause pain.

Words can make someone think that being dead is better than being alive.

She shows you a picture she gets from between the pages of an old book, and she says that the people in the picture are her and her brother. You didn’t know Mom had a brother!

“I used to, Kohaku, but words hurt him. He was my baby brother, and words…”

She touched the picture and her voice became low and shaky.

“Words killed him.”

Mom tried to not cry, but some tears slipped down her face anyway. She was quick to wipe them away, and she put the picture back into the pages of the book. Setting the book on her lap, she looked at you. Her eyes were still watery, and she asked if you understood.

You don’t know how words can kill someone, but you don’t want her to look so sad anymore. Plus, you don’t want to be the one to kill your classmate, even if he is annoying, so you nod.

“Good girl. I know you can’t make the other kids stop being mean to him, but you can stop being mean yourself, right?”

You could try.

* * *

**Seven**

You don’t call Tsunayoshi names anymore, but you don’t talk to him or stand up for him either.

To you, he’s just Sawada when you have to talk to him, but you do wish you didn’t have to see him around so often. It’s too bad that you live so close to each other and go to the same schools. This close proximity means that you see more of him than you’d like to.

You do correct your friends though, and say that he doesn’t live in a dumpster.

* * *

**Saved**

The pool is busy today, and there are a lot of people, so why… _why_ doesn’t anyone do anything about Tsunayoshi who has gone under the surface and not come back up? Glancing to the poolside, you see that not even his own mother notices or cares.

The flailing from the boy beneath the water is getting slower, but you can’t bring yourself to call for the lifeguard since you don’t like bringing attention to yourself. Anxiously, you slide back into the pool and swim over before you duck under the water. Grabbing his arm, you pull Tsunayoshi back to the surface only to have him splutter and panic, clutching at you as he coughed. His grip is stronger than you thought it would be, and he’s stammering, begging you not to let go, and he’s holding on too _tightly_.

Somehow making it to the shallow end, you threw him off and shoved him back into the water. By the time he realized he could reach the bottom with his feet and stood up, you were already climbing out in a huff.

You don’t hear the meek ‘thank you’ that gets lost amid the rest of the noise in the area.

* * *

**Eight**

Your friends are leaving to get ice cream and you _really_ want to go with them, but you have cleaning duty. Clutching a broom and pouting at them waving in the doorway, you don’t notice Tsunayoshi until he taps your hand. The action startles you and you glare at him, making him shrink in on himself.

“…can…at…you…”

You frowned and asked brusquely, “What? I can’t hear you.”

He swallowed nervously and raised his voice a little more. “I can do that for you.”

“Do what?”

He flinched and pointed at the broom in your hands. “I can take your cleaning duty.”

You stared in suspicion. “Why?”

He hasn’t looked at you once and continued to look at the floor. “For the pool. For s—helping me. As thanks.”

You don’t get it, but he’s offering to fill in for you, right? Ahh, but when does Tsunayoshi ever do a good job? Then again, you really want to go catch up to your friends.

Shoving the broom at him, you called over your shoulder, “You better clean up well, Sawada-kun!”

If he answered you, you didn’t hear.

* * *

**Festival**

The festival is underway and you’ve gotten separated from mom and dad, but that’s not scary yet since you know where the blanket is, and at worst, you’ll have to walk home by yourself. You have your little goldfish purse and some money, so you can still enjoy the festival by yourself for a little longer. Besides, being alone like this makes you feel like a big girl, and you won’t cry. You’re going to have some fun instead!

Seeing a stall selling shaved ice, you zero in on it in anticipation, but on your way there, you hear sniffling. Slowing down, you looked around and saw the source hiding in the shadows between a couple of game stalls. It’s Tsunayoshi!

Walking over and joining him in the shadows, you folded your arms in disapproval. “Why are you crying, Sawada? What are you, four?”

The boy hiccupped and wiped his face. “S-some big k-kids took my m-money, and I don’t kn-know where my mom is…”

You don’t know where your mom and dad are either, but at least no one stole your money. Yeah, you can see how that would make someone cry.

Sighing, you reached out for his other hand. “Well, come on. Your mom won’t find you if you stay in the dark like this.”

He tried to protest but you ignored him. First thing you need is something for him to drink since you always feel thirsty after crying. It’s strange how hard it is to find water, though, and you end up borrowing a canteen from the nice man selling juice. While Tsunayoshi is drinking the juice is bought for him, you pulled out your handkerchief and poured some water over one corner, taking care not to use too much. Giving it back to the man and thanking him, you turned your attention to your classmate.

“Here, let me see.”

Blinking confusedly, Tsunayoshi lowered his half-empty cup but startled when you dabbed at his face. He whined but you made him stand still as you cleaned his face. The last thing you did was make him finish his juice and then take your handkerchief to blow his nose. You wrinkled yours when he tried to hand it back to you and told him to keep it.

You didn’t take his hand again, but you sort of wish you did since he tripped and fell twice while still with you. Before finding his mom in the crowd, you ended up buying him shaved ice and takoyaki balls.

When he spotted his mom, he ran off without thanking you, and you sighed in annoyance. Whatever, he wasn’t your problem anymore.

* * *

**Nine**

You shouldn’t be surprised to see Tsunayoshi with his tongue frozen to a pole, and you aren’t. The crowd of kids laughing at him isn’t a surprise either. The actual surprise is how there aren’t any teachers investigating the commotion, not even the one who is supposed to be watching the gate today, whoever that’s supposed to be.

Rolling your eyes, you went inside the school and headed to the teacher’s lounge to let them know what was going on.

* * *

**Obligation**

There is a rule at school to not bring chocolates, but hardly anyone bothers to listen, and the teachers usually ignore it as long as no one fights. No one gives Tsunayoshi any chocolate, not even obligation chocolate, and the boys are mean to point it out to the whole class while the teacher is gone. You have obligation chocolates for all the boys, even him, but you aren’t brave enough to give it to him during school hours.

Instead, you follow him after school and wait until there’s no one else from class around before you call out to him. He yelps in surprise and spins around, but then he blinks in confusion when you hold out the small wrapping towards him. Mom always helps you make chocolate, and she bought cute little wrapping paper and ribbons for your obligation chocolates this year. Since all of them were the same, he recognized it as being the same as all the others that you handed out in class.

Shakily, he held out his hands and you dropped it into them. Closing his fingers over it, he looked at you.

“W-why-?”

Why didn’t you give it to him in class? If you had, then everyone would see that he wasn’t a loser!

You turned your head away.

“I’m not brave.”

You ran away.

* * *

**Ten**

It is Valentine’s Day again, and same as last year, you follow Tsunayoshi, but this year he scares you by waiting around a corner and popping into sight just a foot away.

“Ah-hah!”

“You—!”

Biting down the word ‘jerk’, you threw the chocolates at him. He yelped and tried to catch them, somehow managing to juggling them and drop them twice before getting a good grip on them. Sighing in relief, he stood up and smiled slightly.

“Thanks, Oyama-chan. I’ll give you cookies again on White Day.”

“Not at school.”

His shoulders slumped. “Y-yeah, I know.”

* * *

**Average**

There’s nothing special about you. You’re just an average daughter to average people, and an average student in school. Sometimes you think it would be cool to be rich and famous, and you daydream about becoming idols with your friends, but you deep down you know that achieving fame or riches is unlikely for someone like you.

Still, better to be average than to suffer the constant bad luck that plagues Tsunayoshi. Even after all this time, he’s still so clumsy and bad at school work.

He says you’re the closest thing he has to a friend, and the sad thing is that you know he’s right.

* * *

**Eleven**

Tsunayoshi misses school and because you live in the same neighborhood, teacher makes you take him his schoolwork. You don’t know why the teacher bothers when you suspect that he won’t do the worksheets, but you agree to deliver them.

Tsunayoshi’s mom is… sort of a scatterbrain. Her son is sick in bed, but she greets you with a smile like nothing is wrong. Maybe nothing is wrong and Tsunayoshi is finally becoming a shut-in, but you somehow doubt that. Sawada Nana invites you in for tea and you don’t want to, but you end up in her kitchen anyway.

“My son never has any friends to come visit, especially not any girls as cute as you.”

Your level of cuteness is a matter of debate. You’re not ugly, but you do know that there are girls in your class who are definitely cuter than you. Also, you’re not really his friend. Friends wouldn’t let friends get walked all over, or at least that’s what you believe.

However, when you finally manage to leave, you suspect that Sawada Nana is now operating under the misconception that you are friends with her son.

Oh boy.

* * *

**Whine**

Tsunayoshi drags you to a stairwell and demands to know what you did to make his mom think you were his friend. You tell him the truth, that you didn’t do anything besides drop off his schoolwork and couldn’t refuse her invitation for tea.

“Tea? _Tea?_ All this is over _tea?_ ”

You watch in bemusement as Tsunayoshi clutched his head.

“All of what, Sawada-kun?”

He dropped his arms and whisper-yelled. “My mom expects you to come to my birthday! No one comes to my birthday!”

You nearly ask if he ever invited anyone before you bite that down because yes, you do remember that he used to give out invitations. No one ever went, and everyone had always laughed at the idea.

Shrugging, you mumbled, “I’ll come.”

He let out a long sigh. “My birthday is in October.”

“…It’s June.”

“Yeah, well, apparently she expects we’ll still be ‘friends’ by then.”

You could hear the quotation marks.

“We’re not friends. Just to clarify.”

“Yeah, I know.”

You both stood there for a moment before he turned to trudge up the stairs.

“I’ll still go. I mean, if I’m still alive, I’ll go, if you invite me.”

You aren’t looking at him, but you can see movement from the corner of your eyes. You think he’s looking back in your direction.

“Um… okay. I’ll let her know…”

He leaves and you fold your arms. You know the only reason that you’re nice to Tsunayoshi is because of Mom’s story, but would it really be a bad thing to actually be friends?

* * *

**Twelve**

Tsunayoshi tells you that his mom is worried that he missed your birthday since he wasn’t invited to a birthday party yet. To be fair, since his is in October and yours is in April, yeah, technically he did miss your birthday last year. However, with your birthday coming up (and you two have once again exchanged treats for Valentine’s Day and White Day), there was now the opportunity to invite him.

“But it’s a girl thing,” you said, frowning as he explained his dilemma.

He recoiled as though you said a dirty word. “Oh, I’ll just tell her that then.” He cocked his head. “It sounds real enough. Just because my birthday was mixed—“you both made a face, remembering that it had just been the two of you at his party”—doesn’t mean that a girl’s would be. Okay, I’ll tell her that your birthday party is just for girls.”

You thought that would be that, but he was sulking the next day. Finding time alone during clean up after school hours, he explained that his mom expected him to get you a present.

You frowned, annoyed. “I got _you_ a present.”

He pulled a hand over his face. “I know, I know. That’s not what I mean. My mom, she… she’s going to buy us tickets to an amusement park. She’s all excited about my _date_.”

You made a face. You weren’t even official friends with him, so why on earth would you skip right into dating him? He’s not even your type!

If you had one. You just don’t get excited about boys like the rest of your friends do…

“As long as no one from school sees us, I don’t care.”

“Ugh. Can we not go and just say we did?”

“You can. If she’s buying tickets, I’m using mine.”

“…Fair enough, I guess.”

* * *

**Gift**

Tsunayoshi succumbed to the temptation of the park or something, because when you took your ticket and headed off, he trailed behind you. Probably because your mom was watching from the gate and might somehow blab to his mom, but he stuck with you even after she was out of sight. The park was a train ride away and kind of old, but it seemed okay. There were people milling about, and there were rides like the traditional Ferris wheel and even a rollercoaster. Tsunayoshi stuck to you like glue, but only to bail out on actually riding anything.

He did end eat a few things while waiting for you, and you ended up winning him a stuffed animal that you handed over with a grin. He whined about it, hiding his red face, but aside from the vendor who laughed at him, no one particularly cared.

It was only as you were on the train ride home that he remembered something. Pulling a small box out of his pocket, he handed it over while staring down at his feet.

“Happy birthday,” he mumbled.

“Thank you, Sawada-kun,” you said.  


Opening the simple box, you found a cherry blossom-themed hair comb. Heh, because it’s April, right?

* * *

**Thirteen**

It’s Golden Week when your parents decide to take a family vacation. The plan is to drive two prefectures over to visit dad’s parents, and you’re looking forward to seeing them again. The drive is normal until it isn't, and you’re asleep when the world jolts with a jarring crash.

There is something warm on your stomach—

( _blood not your own_ )

—and you suddenly remember being Aburame Kaiya—

( _and the greatest healer in the world_ )

—but the groan that comes from Mom forces you to focus on the immediate moment.

Your vision isn’t straight and clear, but you can make out the crumpled front of the vehicle and the broken windshield. Dad is slumped over the wheel and you feel your heart stop at the sight. Reaching out towards him rewards you with a torturous throb in your torso and that’s when you finally look down to see a metal rod sticking out of you.

Or rather, pierced through you.

That’s when the pain hits and robs you of your breath, but the blood dripping down the length of it is cause for most of your panic instead of your own pain. Mom, mom, this is _mom’s blood_.

( _an alleyway_ )

You hear a groan from dad and blearily see him shifting, so he’s alive. He doesn’t need your attention right now, Mom does.

Reaching towards her, you can only brush the hair on the back of her head. Hair is made up of dead cells, you can’t—the blood! Slapping a hand against the rod, you called upon your Quirk to create a link through her blood to her body.

Oh, oh, she’s _dying_ , she’s almost _dead_.

( _you weren’t **there**_ )

No, no! You won’t let her die!

_You won’t let her die!_

* * *

**Death**

Tsuna comes back to school after Golden Week to find a vase of flowers on her desk. At first he thinks it’s a cruel prank, that the others have finally found out that she’s nice to him and therefore a loser like him, and he panics in his seat, fearing her reaction when she finally comes in.

But she doesn’t.

Instead, their teacher tells them that she died in a traffic accident. Her parents survived, even her mother through some miracle, but their classmate herself didn’t make it. There will be a wake if they want to go.

He goes, dressed in black, to mourn the only person who changed and stopped calling him No-Good when even his own mother still does. Her body is on display, and he almost makes it through the whole thing without breaking down like so many of his classmates have, especially her friends.

But when he steps forward, he sees the hair comb in her hair, cherry blossoms that are the only bit of color on her.

He can’t stay after that, not even to speak to her mother who notices him and calls his name. He runs away, and their—his, she's gone—classmates are angry at him for leaving like that.

They call him No-Good Tsuna.

Not only is he no good, he’s a coward who can’t even visit his only friend’s gravestone.

He hates himself.

( _at thirteen, with his Dying Will, instead of conforming to Reborn’s expectations and confessing to Sasagawa Kyoko, he runs like mad for the graveyard_

 _“APOLOGIZE WITH MY DYING WILL!”_ )

* * *

**To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.**

**~Thomas Campbell**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, as you can see, I could no longer wait for Kaiya to die before writing and posting the next installment. It's just a one-shot though, so after Kaiya dies I can skip right to the next life.
> 
> Also, my tags are boring and perhaps slightly misleading because using AO3 on my tablet doesn't let me add tags that aren't already there. Ergo, I couldn't put "that never get a chance to sail" after Developing Friendships, etc.
> 
> EDIT: Okay, changed his age from fourteen to thirteen since I got that part wrong. Also, this has turned into a two-shot.


	2. might have been

**Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.**

**~Aristotle**

* * *

**Names**

It takes him a while to notice that you’ve stopped calling him ‘No-Good’, mostly because your interactions together are limited. It really hits home when he overhears one of your friends asking why you don’t call him that name anymore. He’s inside passing an open window and he looked outside in time to see you shrug.

“My mom asked me not to.”

“And you’re just… not gonna call him that anymore?”

You glared at the friend who asked.

“I listen to my mom.”

Your friends giggled but changed the subject.

Good things don’t happen to Tsuna, so he kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and for you to go back to calling him names like everyone else.

But you never did.

* * *

**Nightmare**

_He can’t breathe._

There are people all around him but no one is looking at him. His own mom isn’t there to save him, and she’s the one who brought him to the pool even when he didn’t really want to go. He’s _dying_ and no one is noticing.

No one is going to save him.

He can’t breathe, and he’s kicking and flailing ( _where is his mom?_ )—

And then he’s waking up on his bedroom floor, head smarting from where he landed on it. He stayed there panting harshly, filling his lungs with blessed air as he reassured himself that he wasn’t drowning.

He’d vomited water back then, saved, but by the whim of another child who didn’t know enough to have him looked over by an adult. His mom had just brushed him off, saying he was just tired and they’d go home so he could take a nap, and that’s what they’d done.

( _he’d cried a little before falling asleep, wondering what would have happened if you hadn’t saved him_ )

He had had nightmares about it for weeks afterward, and it seemed as though he might never fully escape them. Still, it was easier to deal with it now than back when the trauma had been fresh. Even now he wasn’t shaking as much back when he was, what, seven? Yeah, seven seemed right.

Sighing and rubbing his hands over his face, Tsuna pushed away his more morbid thoughts ( _what if he had actually died?_ ) before crawling back into bed. Maybe he won’t be able to go back to sleep, but better to rest in bed than on the cold, hard floor.

…Taking her cleaning duties once seemed like a really cheap way to say thanks for saving him…

* * *

**Confession**

The sky has been threatening rain all day, but it hadn’t seemed so bad this morning, so he had brushed off the umbrella his mom had tried to get him to take. As the day had gone on, the skies had grown greyer, and he had just hoped it wouldn’t rain. For once, it seemed as though his prayers were going to be answered, but of course his luck is terrible and it started raining on him. Shoulders slumping as the drops started falling, he was too caught up in his own thoughts to hear the footsteps coming up behind him.

He yelped as an umbrella suddenly shot forward and unfolded by his side. Stumbling, he lost his balance and fell down. Staring up in surprise, he was that it was you, looking unimpressed and down at him. With that look on your face, you raised the umbrella to protect yourself from the increasing rain.

“Well, do you wanna get rained on or what?”

Heat rose to his face. He didn’t, not really, but everyone knows what sharing an umbrella between a boy and a girl means!

“Come on, Sawada-kun, I wanna get home.”

He wanted to refuse, but you said his name, no name-calling or teasing. You’re the only one who does that. Even his own mom calls him…

He hesitated once he was on his feet, but you just shoved the umbrella over, keeping his head dry as the rain came down harder. His face was still warm from embarrassment, but he walked alongside you without further complaint.

Honestly, he fully expected you to make him run home for the last bit since your place came up first on the way home, but he was so shocked when you kept walking past your gate that if you hadn’t caught him he would have tripped and fallen on the wet sidewalk.

“Clumsy.”

That’s it, the worst you ever call him, but he can’t even get mad because it’s true. He knows he’s clumsy, and so do everyone else and their mother and their grandmother. From you, it’s just a statement of fact.

( _and it’s not ‘No-Good’_ )

You let go of his wrist and walk him home, right up to his door. He turned to thank you. Instead—

“You’re the closest thing I have to a friend, Oyama-chan.”

Your eyes widened and his mind caught up with his mouth. He yelped and slammed the door shut, and he couldn’t look you in the eye afterwards for weeks.

( _you say that you two aren’t friends, and he verbally agrees, but deep down he thinks differently_

_and just as deeply, just as hidden away, he hopes you do too_ )

* * *

**Invite**

Tsuna startled awake as his mother burst into his room.

“Why didn’t you tell me you have such a cute friend?!”

Groggy, he glared at her, not understanding. “Wha?”

“The girl,” his mom clarified, holding out a sheaf of papers. “The one who brought you your homework!”

His brain struggled and could only come up with one person. “Oyama-chan?”

His mom brightened. “Yes~! Cute Oyama Kohaku! She was so polite while she was here.” She clapped her hands together. “You simply must invite her to your birthday party this year.”

He fell back into bed, groaning. “Yeah, yeah…”

He’d said it to get her off his back, but in the end, his mom actually intended to follow through and wouldn’t stop nagging him until he agreed to ask her. ‘If I’m still alive’ wasn’t a ringing endorsement, but it wasn’t a straight up ‘no’, so he told his mom ‘maybe’.

She was ecstatic.

* * *

**Celebration**

When you actually showed up to his twelfth birthday party, Tsuna swallowed hard as he listened to his mom greeting you downstairs. When she finally called him down, he moved stiffly. He didn’t relax when he saw you at the bottom of the stairs, but he couldn’t exactly run away from his own home to escape this awkwardness, so... 

His mom, oblivious, disappeared into the kitchen, telling him to hurry down so that the ‘party’ could start.

“Hey,” he said, arriving at the bottom.

“Hey,” you said back. You pointed to where his mom had disappeared. “Your mom took your gift.”

“Oh. Uh, thanks. For bringing one.”

“Mm.”

You’ve barely arrived and you two have already run out of things to say. God, why couldn’t the ground open up to swallow him?

His mother called from the kitchen, telling them to sit in the living room. Tsuna tried not to wince, but he still felt a blush creep across his face as reluctantly gestured to his left, your right, and let you enter first. They took seats at the table there and he stared downwards, not looking at you as you took in the birthday decorations. Okay, so it wasn’t much, just some colored paper chains and a few balloons, but he's _twelve_ now, not a little kid! Ugh, but mom wouldn’t listen, just chattered happily that someone was actually gonna come to his birthday party for once.

( _he hasn’t had anyone come since leaving preschool_ )

“Here we are!”

His mom brought in the cake, a small one since it was just the three of them, and set it in front of him. She lit the candles and sat back. Then, as if to prove him wrong that this couldn’t get any more awkward, his mom clapped and started singing the Happy Birthday song. You startled at her expectant look and started singing along, in _English_. Tsuna knew the song was in English, but he couldn’t sing it himself, so he was surprised that you knew how. Ah, but then again, you have a lot more friends than he does, right? Naturally you’ve had practice.

But still! His mom and a girl are singing to him!

He stifled a groan and endured the attention, desperately avoiding eye contact with both you and his mom.

( _your gift was a video game, much to his pleased surprise_ )

* * *

**Search**

As a gift for your thirteenth birthday, his mom buys you two tickets for the day after since the actual birthday celebration was for girls. Tsuna thought that was a little expensive, but his mom was just so happy that he ‘had a friend’ that she didn’t even second guess herself. Worse, she painted it as his first date, which… he already liked Sasagawa Kyoko, who was just so cute and sweet! (Not that he would tell his mom something like that.) Ah, but that wasn’t enough, was it? No, she sent him to buy her something from him, and if she didn’t approve then she was going to send him right back out, so really, he should just get it over with.

But what did you even buy for a girl? He had no idea and meandered around the shopping street, hoping for inspiration to strike him. He tossed aside ideas like a scarf, a figurine, a ribbon and a bracelet, but maybe he was onto something with the scarf, ribbon and bracelet. Girls liked accessories and jewelry, right? Okay, so something like that, but what?

Sighing, he trudged along until a display caught his eye. Lined up were hair accessories and at the bottom were decorative hair combs. He blushed at the idea of buying something so girly, but it wasn’t for him! Anyway, your birthday was in April, and that meant cherry blossoms, so that cherry blossom comb was good enough, right? Right!

When he finally gave it to you, you smiled down at it when you saw it in its box, and he heaved a quiet, relieved sigh.

* * *

**Condolences**

In the days after your funeral, after he’d run away ( _because you were dead and decorated with the hair comb that he gave you and you weren’t ever going to get up again_ ), he was treated worse than usual. Your friends were particularly vicious, and he couldn’t do anything normally, much less when there were angry tears in their eyes as they yelled at him. Your mother had called out to him at your wake and he had run away without looking back, hasn’t gone to see her or your dad, or even to offer incense for you. Not only was he No-Good, he was disrespectful of the dead, too.

( _what became of that hair comb after you’d been turned to ashes?_ )

His mom had been there, had made excuses for him, but not even her insistence had gotten him to go see your mother. On this one thing, Tsuna had not budged, not even under threat of being grounded and actually being grounded. What was the point? He didn’t know your mom, and you wouldn’t be in that house, so why bother?

( _you aren’t anywhere_ )

His mom is disappointed in him, your friends hate him, your other classmates think he’s worse than scum, and he hates himself. He pulls further into himself at school, and he rarely leaves his room at home.

( _he put all your mementos in a box—the video game you gave to him for his birthday, the handkerchief you let him keep from that festival when you were kids, and the stuffed animal you’d won and given to him from the amusement park—and hid it in the back of his closet where he couldn’t accidentally glimpse them and be freshly reminded that you were dead and gone_ )

He stumbles through the days and doesn’t question the increased abuse from his classmates. Mostly, he will stand there as words go in one ear and out the other without really retaining them, but one particular voice is a thunderbolt that breaks through the haze hanging over him.

“Sawada-kun?”

It’s Sasagawa Kyoko! Kyoko is talking to him!

( _dead_ )

The half-smile on his face quickly slipped away in a wave of disgust. How dare he be happy? He was the worst.

“I’m sorry about your friend.”

His eyes widen and he stared at her in shock. What?

She had a nervous look on her face, looking cute even like that.

“Your friend,” she repeated. “I didn’t know her, but I saw you two together sometimes. She was your friend… right?”

You always said you weren’t, and he always agreed. He would ask half-questions, and you would say that you weren’t brave. It was always kept secret, that you two talked outside of school.

But he’d meant what he’d said.

You were the closest thing he’d ever had to a friend.

( _would you have been braver, given more time? he’ll never know now_ )

You’d always said no, had always denied, but it’s complicated, and not something he wants to talk about with Kyoko, so Tsuna settles on an answer, choking it out as tears spill down his face without his permission.

“Yes… she was.” 

( _maybe it was a lie… but… maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t_ )

( _ **“Sawada-kun.”**_ )

* * *

**Improvement**

Kyoko talks to him after that, mostly just in passing, but it’s more than before. She’s still so cute and sweet, and he can’t help but cheer up a little whenever she says hello to him. He always feels guilty afterwards, for being happy, for being alive, but the more time that passes, the more he thinks that he won’t always feel that way.

The days keep passing, and the abuse tapers back to normal levels of derision. His birthday passes without fanfare, and he spends it in his room, deliberately not thinking about the box in his closet. He still runs away when he spots either of your parents, still hasn’t offered you incense, and he still doesn’t like those parts of himself, but he lives with it instead of fixing it.

He's not brave either.

( _but unlike with his hopes about you, if you had lived and been given time, he doesn’t think he’ll change_ )

* * *

**Frozen**

He thought his birthday was hard, spending it alone again, but it was nothing compared to your birthday. Your friends, who had gotten better about you being gone, would randomly sob quietly throughout the day in school. He held himself together better, mostly because he was still on the fence about whether or not you had actually been his friend. Part of him says you were, but the rest of him remembers you saying, _“We’re not friends. Just to clarify.”_

His birthday was one thing, but he was still alive. He’d get that birthday, and another birthday, and more birthdays, but no matter how many of yours passed, you would always be thirteen. He can’t… It hurts, to know that, to be aware that he’ll get to grow and change, but you won’t.

( _unnaturally pale, hands folded, eyes closed, perfectly still—and pale pink in your hair_ )

You should be fourteen, but you’re not and never will be.

* * *

**Desperation**

Reborn walks into his life, shattering the complacency he’d fallen into. Tsuna tries to ignore him, desperately hoping that the baby isn’t going to be a permanent fixature in his life, but it doesn’t work. Then, as if things couldn’t get any worse, that baby tutor _shot him_.

His first thought is of Kyoko, whom he was just speaking to, whom he still has a crush on, but then he remembers your mother calling his name, remembers that he hasn’t gone to your shrine or your gravestone. He remembers you being the closest thing he had to a friend, and how he’s disrespected your death, your mother, your memory.

His back hits the ground, but then he’s on his feet feeling like he’s burning from head to toe. And… naked except for his boxers for some reason? But that’s not important!

_“APOLOGIZE WITH MY DYING WILL!”_

He spun around and started bolting down the street, running for the graveyard. He knows which one is yours, because he’s seen your parents from a distance but has never mustered up the courage to approach before today. You weren’t public with it, but you were decent to him. You were nice to him. You saved his life, showed him kindness, and treated him like a human being instead of a loser. He treated _himself_ like one, but you never did after that last time you called him ‘No-Good’ when you were both small. You always said you weren’t his friend.

But actions speak louder than words.

( _and they say you two could have been friends, if only_ )

* * *

**Grief**

The graveyard is too far to run to in just five minutes, so in the end Tsuna is left stranded in public in his boxers and has to make a walk of shame home. It’s actually more of an embarrassed run as people laugh at him, but at least no one is calling the police on him. Unfortunately, he runs into Reborn on the way, and the baby tutor is completely unrepentant and ignores his shouting to stare at him.

“That was unexpected.”

“Huh?! What do you mean unexpected? What did you expect me to do?!”

“Instead of wanting to confess to that girl, you wanted to apologize to someone.”

He paled at the thought of running up to Kyoko in his underwear. “You wanted me to talk to Kyoko while I’m almost naked?!”

What would have happened that had actually happened and he caught up with her? His life would be over!

“Who were you going to apologize to, Tsuna?”

He choked on nothing, forgetting Kyoko as your memory hammered into him. His mouth gaped for a couple seconds before he shook his head and started running home faster.

Reborn watched him go.

* * *

**Nudge**

He doesn’t see Reborn until after school the next day when he enters his room to see your mementos laid out on a small table. He heart misses a beat ( _someone touched those, removed them from where he’d hidden them_ ) but then he’s yelling at the intruder in his home.

“Reborn! You’re not allowed to, _no one_ is allowed to-!”

( _alone, always alone except for you_ )

“Death is not a foreign concept to a Mafia boss.”

“I’m not a Mafia boss! I’m _not going to be_ a Mafia boss!”

Reborn ignored his protests and continued as if he hadn’t spoken.

“Death is inevitable, Tsuna. Death, and the risk of it, will be your constant companion. The day will eventually come when you must bury a friend or subordinate. A Mafia boss must pay them the proper respect.”

He didn’t have any friends. The closest one he’d had to a friend was already—

“The Oyamas are moving.”

He froze, arms outstretched to gather up your mementos. What?

“They leave tomorrow. There are… too many memories in their home. They were just waiting for all her friends to offer incense, at least once. And they have, except for one.”

_Him._

He met Reborn’s fathomless black eyes and felt the world swaying.

“A Mafia boss doesn’t let last chances slip through their fingers.”

( _a lie, but one that moves his student’s feet, even as he weakly protests that he isn’t a Mafia boss_ )

* * *

**Parting**

He stands outside their gate for what feels like forever, just staring at the house where you used to live. He swallowed hard, thinking of your somewhat linked childhood, a time spent in passing each other. He remembers growing up with you, going to the same schools, almost always the same classrooms, being saved from the water, exchanging chocolates and cookies, of how his name was safe with you.

He remembers spending the day after your birthday together, of how he didn’t see you again until you were laid out in a coffin for everyone to say goodbye.

When your mother opens the door, this time, he doesn’t run away.

Reborn was right, and there are boxes everywhere, but the family shrine is one of the last things still out. Your picture is there, sharing a space with four old folks who must be your grandparents on both sides of the family. They’re so old, wrinkled with age, and you’re so _young_.

He lights incense for you, and presses his hands together in prayer. Tears well up in his eyes.

_‘Sorry it took me so long.’_

He kneels there, telling you everything he’s sorry for; about not answering your mother’s call, about running away from your parents, about not coming sooner; for making your friends mad; for getting to grow up while you can’t; for him being a loser.

…For not telling you that he was your friend, even if you stood by the words you’d bring up from time to time.

When he’s finished, he bows in apology to your mother again, and to your father as well, as he arrived some time while he was praying. They thank him for coming, for fulfilling their hopes that all of their daughter’s friends would come at least once before they left. He doesn’t ask where they’re going, and they don’t say.

Standing outside, he stared at your house for a long time before bowing and repeating himself one last time.

_‘Goodbye, and thank you, for everything.’_

* * *

**Hello**

It still takes a long while before your memory stops freezing him in his tracks. There is a whole parade of people who enter his life, and he makes friends, more than he could have ever hoped for ( _but his encounter with Yamamoto on the roof goes differently; he’s mad at the boy when there was someone who should have been there with them, who didn’t get the chance, and why would he want to throw away such a precious gift? his arm will get better, and his life can go on, so **don’t throw it away**_ ). He doesn’t take them for granted, not when that is already a lesson learned. Sometimes, your face flashes in his mind when he’s having fun, or when he’s lying down for the night, and his breath will catch.

It gets easier with more time, but he doesn’t share the reason why with Gokudera and Yamamoto until the inheritance battle. Sharing your death makes it easier for Gokudera to give up his battle, to come back so that they can all see fireworks together again.

Life marches on in crazy adventures and even time traveling. And yet, days that seemed to stretch on forever are gone in a flash, and in what seems like almost no time at all, he is thirty-nine, married, a father, and, despite all the protests in his youth, a Mafia boss. He has long since laid your memory to rest, but the first time he meets Lambo’s goddaughter, he looks into her eyes and his Intuition speaks.

_I know you._

He frowns after Lambo and the little girl are gone.

But he just met her today?

* * *

**Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.**

**~Rumi**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm stuck on Pink Carnations so this decided to become a Two Shot. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


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